


Let me down slowly

by rawwrrr (ladyYellow)



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Alzheimer's Disease, Caretaking, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Gen, M/M, Open to Interpretation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-17
Updated: 2019-05-17
Packaged: 2020-03-06 17:02:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,474
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18855286
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ladyYellow/pseuds/rawwrrr
Summary: "There are times he almost seems like himself, sometimes it's just a phase. A part of a person I once knew, and sometimes just a trace.It's a long time and I still don't know what to say"or-the one where Han takes care of a Minseok who barely remembers who he is.





	Let me down slowly

**Author's Note:**

> I know, I know.  
> I should be working in my other projects. And I promise I am.  
> But there are a lot of things happening right now!  
> First of all, Minseok left! And I'm not able to deal with that loss yet (I sound like he's dead, dear lord) and then Han liked his IG photo...  
> And then Han's song **Nature** and I just... I had a lot of things in my head.
> 
> TBH, I didn't have a ship in mind when I wrote this (it was mostly written and I just gave the final touches to it, that's why I did this instead of my other stuff), but after the recent events, it just suited XiuHan.
> 
> I got the idea when I watched **Still Alice** a while ago.  
> The name of the fic is the name of the song from Alec Benjamin.

It's a rainy afternoon outside and Minseok can't understand why they can go out like other days.

Han gave up explaining him a while ago, since there's no point in it. Minseok doesn't understand a single word Han is saying, and even if he did, he wouldn't remember it.

“What do you say if I read something for you, hyung?” Minseok looks at Han with that curious look, as if he was deciphering if the younger is a friend or a foe. Han wonders if the other isn't worried about who the hell is 'hyung’. “Let's go, we can have some snacks while you listen, alright?”

Minseok doesn't move at all, nor confirm nor deny anything, he just looks at Han, with empty eyes. _How he wished Minseok started mumbling like before ‘I'm not a baby’._

Han sighs, grabbing Minseok's hand to lead him to the living room, because otherwise he will lose in their house again.

 

Most of the time, Minseok doesn't know what's going on.

During the early stages of the disease, he once got lost while driving back home. Han remembers that day, he was getting ready to go to the gym when Minseok called him at the verge of crying because he couldn't find their home.

 _“Where are you, hyung?”_ the stutter in between his words made him barely understandable.

 _“I don't know, Lulu. I- I don't know where I am-”_ his voice was smaller second by second, the panic evident in his voice.

_“What can you see then, Seokie? I'm coming for you~”_

_“I- I see a park and a flower shop...”_

_“What's the name of the flower shop, hyung?”_

_“L-lilac blue”_ it was all it took for Han to know the elder was just a few blocks away, so he walked to the place, and when he arrived, Minseok was truthfully scared, so he hugged Han as if his life depended on it.

 _“What is happening to me, Lulu?”_ if only they knew.

Han hugged him tighter.

 

“Stay here for me, hyung. I'll bring the book and the snacks, alright?” Han doesn't wait for an answer, because he knows there won't be any.

More often than not, Minseok doesn't even remember himself, what's his name, where he is, how old is he, what his hobbies are (were?)... Even less he remembers who is Han, which is kind of sad, since they've been together for twenty years.

Han walks to the kitchen to grab some chopped fruit (soft enough for his life's mate to not bite his own tongue). He tries not to swear out loud, something he does more and more as the days pass by.

He looks at himself in the reflection of the window, he looks tired. Dark circles under his eyes, his hair ruffled and his dark roots already like an inch and a half long.

He shakes his head and then he walks to the living room, sighing loudly. He wonders who looks the worst these days.

His beloved Minseok-hyung, who always used to worry about his persona, his appearance, his manners... is now reduced to this _something,_ that looks exactly like Minseok (a lot thinner and a lot paler), but isn't him anymore.

He comes back to their living room, where Minseok is still at the place he left him, he hasn't moved a single inch. Han likes to think of Minseok as a kitten, always curious but too scared to move around and explore, and he's thankful for that.

 

Minseok waits for Han to take his usual spot and he contemplates him as if he has nothing better to do (perhaps he doesn't, indeed). Han puts on his reading glasses to read Minseok's favorite book.

From time to time, the Chinese man raises his eyes from the book to look if he's getting some sort of emotion from Minseok, and each time he tries to hide his disappointment, but he fails miserably.

Han reads and Minseok listens.

If he's lucky, the elder will understand half of a sentence (he knows that because he watches the recognition in Minseok's eyes), but today he isn't.

He reads and reads, but all he gets is his husband's curious look, sometimes he frowns, a little bit of humming, but it is mostly because Minseok loves the rain outside and he fears thunders.

 

Han changes the page to a marked one. Minseok himself marked it as soon as he knew where everything was going.

 

_“What are you doing, hyung?!” Han looked scandalized at Minseok's studio. All his the books he used for his math PhD, all his papers for teaching, were all ripped and scattered on the floor. “Seok?”_

_Minseok was sitting at a corner of the room, listening to the rain, as he read and re-read an old-looking book, marking some pages and making some notes in that pristine (now a little shaky) handwriting._

_Han walked toward his husband, avoiding all the mess._

_“What are you doing?” Minseok ignored all the mess, though he's usually pretty neat in everything he did, but Han thought he started to accept this as his new reality (a new world of chaos and dizziness)._

_“Read this aloud for me, would you?” Han picked up the book reluctantly that Minseok shoved into his hands._

 

Han traces Minseok's sidenote.

_‘I’m sorry, but know that no matter what, I'll always love you’_

“Do not ask me to remember, don't try to make me understand... Let me rest and know you're with me, kiss my cheek and hold my hand-” Han mumbles and then he closes his eyes for a while, trying to suppress the tears. He feels so tired and helpless.

He opens his eyes and holds Minseok's hand between his as he keeps reading, though he doesn't know if he's reading to Minseok or to himself.

“Do not lose your patience with me, do not scold or curse or cry. Just- Just remember that I need you, that the best of me is gone” Minseok is now looking at Han with eyes wide open, but Han doesn't let go of his hand “Please, don't fail to stand beside me. Love me 'til my life is done” Han finishes in a whisper, with a knot in his throat.

Han kisses Minseok's dry lips (a kiss the elder doesn't answer and the younger didn't expect him to) before he looks at the window, lost in his own thoughts.

_How he wishes Minseok wasn't diagnosed with Alzheimer, how he wishes his husband remembered him, that he knows exactly how he feels. How he has felt._

 

_It was around ten in the morning, and Han wasn't home, because Minseok assured he would be fine, Han needed to go to his work, Minseok wouldn't kill himself in some hours alone._

_Han only asked him not to leave the house alone._

_“If you want something, call Jongdae, or Nini. They will take you wherever you want to go” Minseok dismissed him._

_Minseok found a paper folded in one of Han's books._

> _‘He's leaving me, little by little, I wish he wouldn't go._  
>  _I will be there as long as he needs me, how do I let him know?_  
>  _I'd like to hold onto the memories, I'd also like to share._ _But he's further away, getting further away. And yet he's always there._  
>  _So much time between now and then when it's time against us._  
>  _There are times he almost seems like himself, sometimes it's just a phase. A part of a person I once knew, and sometimes just a trace._  
>  _It's a long time and I still don't know what to say.’_

_It took him around two hours to read the totality of the lines (because he kept forgetting what they were about), but when he finished, he is crying._

_Han found him crying._

_“Hyung, what happened? Are you hurt?”_

_“I can't remember why I'm crying” Han hugged him._

_“It's fine, I'm sure it wasn't important” was it?_

 

“LuLu” Minseok surprises Han with one of his lucid moments. The younger looks at his husband and smiles at him warmly. Minseok gives him the tiniest of weakest smiles (not quite like they used to be, but Minseok's nonetheless). These moments are rare, and Han treasures them like the air he breathes. “Love you...”

Han tries not to cry, but he does in the end, silently.

When he blinks, his lovely husband is gone again, leaving behind the confused kid he is turning into.

“Love you too, hyung” Minseok doesn't understand what's going on as usual, but Han doesn't care. He knows his decision of taking care of his partner (who isn't really his husband most of the time, more like a baby he has to take care of) was right. “I'll always love you, no matter what”

The oblivious Minseok smiles, a glimpse of the past.

_I know LuLu._

**Author's Note:**

> My heart is still broken after Minseok's departure.  
> I hope you enjoyed it.  
> Thanks for reading ❤️


End file.
